An Open Letter To An Entire Sports Team…


Once again, after yet another letdown by our sports teams, this fan has had enough and decided to take matters into his own hands and scribe this missive in the offending team’s direction…

To Whom It May Concern:

How could you do it? How could you do this to me? How could you instill such a false sense of security in me? How could I allow myself to actually believe for one second that what you did would have a positive, lasting effect on me and my teams?

Damn you Phillies, damn you all to hell.

You probably thought I was referring to the Eagles, right?

Heck no. I’m mad as hell at the Phillies. Wanna know why?

Because they had the sheer audacity and unmitigated gall (is there any other kind of gall by the way?) to win the World Series; to end the curse; to break the spell, thereby allowing me, Joe Fan, a fleeting sense of optimism, hopefulness and heretofore unseen confidence and dare I saw swagger that would carryover onto the remaining 3 major sports teams in our beloved city, most notably our professional football team.

How else to explain my writing in this very space following both the Vikings and Giants games:

“THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL.”

Like Mr. Spock’s worst nightmare come true, I went against all sane logic; I defied what history taught me, that the Eagles are eternally destined for maid of honor status, bridesmaid at best.

Yet there I was, Mr. Pessimist himself, shouting from the highest mountain in my most optimistic of voices, “THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL.”

So why my sudden loss of reality? Why this seemingly inexplicable lack of verisimilitude?

Because unbeknownst to me at the time, I was wearing crimson-colored specs. Didn’t notice them when I looked in the mirror. No one commented to me: “Gee Steve, your eyes look awfully rosy these days.”

But they were there, those omnipresent red-tinted glasses that were clouding my judgment; catapulting me into a sports-induced nirvana causing me to act and speak and write in such an irrational manner.

“THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL.”

Yeah, they’ll be sitting in Sections 100, 101, 102…

So to the Philadelphia Phillies I say I HATE YOU! How dare you? How dare you actually win a world championship? What do you think this is, Boston? Didn’t you get the memo from Mssrs. Reid, McNabb and Banner?

Dear Phillies, Congratulations on making the playoffs. Best of luck. Be sure to make it look good, give the fans all sorts of high hopes so they have visions of parades dancing in their heads right before you lose it all against a completely inferior team.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Andy, Joe, Donnie, et al

Til next time.

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