Cleaning out the attic…

Come in off the Lidge…
So the Phillies got themselves a new closer and a new starter in the same deal. Have to give GM Pat Gillick credit. Not many other GMs can get a quality closer AND starter in the same deal. Of course the cynic in me thinks it was done on the cheap. This is the Phillies after all. But the realist in me thinks it was a good-to-potentially great deal.

So they add Lidge, move Myers and resign Romero. Not bad. Not bad. But of course there’s much more to do.

First and foremost has to be centerfield. The Phillies MUST either resign Aaron Rowand or get Torri Hunter. There is simply no way an outfield of Pat Burrell, Shane Victorino & Jayson Werth will cut it. First off you’re playing a bit of Russian roulette in thinking Burrell will pick up where he left off last year. You’re also banking on a guy in Werth who has never played a full season. Projected over a full 162-game season, his numbers come out to a .259 average with 16 HRs and 77 RBIs. You’re also losing Rowand’s numbers in this equation. You wanna tell me last year was an aberration? Well for his career he is a .286 hitter with 18 HR’s & 66 RBI’s per season. So you may have something. BUT in 2004 with the White Sox he hit .310 with 24 HRs and 69 RBIs. Numbers that are very close to what he put up last year. In other words, he’s done it before.

Then there’s Third Base. Ugh. Can we really go into next season with Wes Helms and Greg Dobbs platooning at third? Absolutely. Book it. These are your 2008 Phillies third basemen. God help us.

Hook, Line & Stinker…
So the Eagles beat the Fish handily to go 5-5 heading into the game vs. the Patriots. That’s what some of the media (both locally and nationally) would have you believe. I mean there’s no way they can lose to an 0-9 team, right?

The fact that there is even ONE person who is putting this in the win column for Fightin Birds (a little homage to former Phils announcer Scott Graham) is enough cause for mandatory drug testing for ALL humans.

To those who are looking ahead to the Patriots, I just want to know if they have actually watched any of the Eagles previous 9 games? Because anyone who has in fact seen the Eagles play this year cannot in their right mind think ANY game is worthy of such blatant disregard for the opponent.

This is the Eagles we’re talking about! Anything is possible!

Having said that, I do think the Eagles will win on Sunday, but not by much. Eagles 27, Fish 20.

Who you callin’ a ho?…
I think political correctness has reached a new low, as in way down, as in way down under.

Did you see this? I swear I only wish I could make this stuff up, but even my imagination isn’t that good.

Santas in the city of Sydney, Australia have been instructed to NOT utter the timeless, classic Kris Kringle phrase, “ho, ho, ho.” Why you ask? Because it may be offensive to women and children and was too close to “ho”, a US slang term for prostitute.

Now first off, any child who knows the slang meaning of the word “ho” has bigger issues, like where are their parents and just how much MTV are you letting them watch?

And as for being offensive to women, I think they may be onto something. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg and I move to ban the following traditional Christmas songs immediately.

Winter Wonderland. It is clearly offensive to all the other seasons. Why no Spring, Summer or Fall Winterland?

The First Noel. This song is offensive to ALL Noels that followed the first one. Weren’t they any good? Of course they were. Why does the First Noel have a song and not the 57th?

The Christmas Song. Parenthetically titled Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire, this seemingly innocent tune is downright offensive to all other members of the nut & legume families. I mean what’s wrong with Walnuts or Almonds or even Figs roasting on an open fire?

Frosty the Snowman. This song, along with songs like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen are among the most egregious and offensive to women the world over. Why no Frosty the Snowwoman? Or better still, Frosty the Snowperson?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Without question this holiday favorite is offensive to homosexual men not to mention what it says about Mom, who first chance she gets, is swapping spit with the big man in red. No wonder they call him Jolly Old St. Nick. I’d be jolly, too.

This is just a partial list mind you. But I intend to do whatever I can to have these offensive songs, and those like them, banned from all airwaves, elevators, iPods, shopping malls and waiting rooms across the country and the world.

‘Til next time.

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